Thursday, July 28, 2011
So I finally logged in to this blog after being away from it for a year. Ive logged in since Ive last posted but Ive hesitated posting everytime. Id just delete what I had written and went about my day. I guess I just didnt know what to say. Most of my posts since I started this blog were about my progression as a figure competitor. After I won the Cal last year ( my division ) I had a lot of things happen in my life. Some good & some bad. I lost my job, I got married and had a baby. What is this life I now call my own. Its totally different is what it is! In a bad way, OF COURSE NOT. Challenging... you can count on it. If you know me personally, or you just know me through the words I post on this blog site, you know, I accept challenges. I sometimes accept them with open arms, sometimes with much hesitation and procrastination but I eventually Accept them & take them over one day at a time.
Now signfies that time in my life. I feel this blog helped me when I was striving for the perfection of the stage. I noticed an old cheer buddy had her mommy blog & I thought that was cool as well. I figured I'll start back up with my blog and give an inside look at being a mom, wife & trying to get back into fitness and even work! I had no idea how difficult it was going to be, but I can do it with Gods help, I will do it!
So I got married October 10,2010 to the love of my life, Dionisio Ramirez Jr. We met at a local gym here in Indio, CA at a kickboxing class. He was actually my instructor! haha I remember those classes, working extra hard to try and impress him. IM not sure if he noticed... but Im guessing b.c I got the ring, that he did. :) Shortly before our wedding we found out that we were expecting a baby! I remember getting my dress in July sometime. Telling the lady how much weight I could loose & that we'd need to take it in a lot. Then going back for my first fitting in September& telling her, Ummm please dont cut any more b.c I just found out we were expecting! the sweet old lady jumped up and gave me a huge hug. It was really precious. It was a month before the wedding & I was so nervous to tell Dion that we were going to be parents & newlyweds all at the same time! He was happy as can be and told me not to worry.
Fast forwarding a few months... May 2nd we finally went into the hospital to deliever. It was a surreal experience to say the least. The amount of books I read, magazines I bought & people I talked to couldnt have prepared me for the month that followed. It was by far the hardest of my life. Im not sure about other moms, but I didnt fall in love with her right away. I didnt know if I was a terrible person for feeling that way or if it was normal. It was just odd. Its just like meeting a new person for the first time. You dont know how you feel about them yet, you know you need to love them b.c its your child, but you dont feel the instant love I didnt think. The first month was hard for me & I know it was hard for my husband. Your body goes through so many changes, you have your ideas of whats going to happen & its nothing like youve heard or planned. You cry for no reason & you cry often. You badly want to get back into the gym, but you havent slept in weeks. It was a whirlwind that I couldnt help but think what did I get myself into!
Fast forward another month, or month & a half. Here I am, cant take my eyes off this little miracle that God has blessed us with. Her perfect little features. The way she holds my figure when shes trying to fall asleep. The way she snuggles up real close to me when we take a nap & Oh the way she smiles and laughs at me like Im the funniest most amazing person in her world. I thought I knew what love was before, but there is nothing that can compare to the love a person will have for their own flesh and blood. The crying fades into smiles that produce happy tears. The no sleep for weeks turns into no sleep for a few hours at night & the worry about how you look, well it took awhile for that to fade, I still have moments where I want to sit and cry about it but thats when I realized:
Life is about more than the way you look. Granted being healthy & keeping fitness a major player in my life will always be there and I will gain muscle back and loose fat. Here I am, weighing the same as I did when I got pregnant. My stomachs flat, no I dont have a 6pack & yes I now have a high body fat percentage but I just had a child 2.5 months ago lol I Look great! hahaha... Im finally coming to terms with things in my life and realizing that I focused too much on the way I looked. When what I really needed to focus on was the way I felt inside. See when you focus on the way you feel everything else falls into place without a blink of an eye. But when I constantly beat myself up in my head and downgrade myself by saying such negative things I always stay in that negative mind set & my body follows.
This next chapter in my life is going to be focused on bringing God back into the center of my life. Without him, nothing is possible. Making getting lean my God only left me with feeling empty inside and I ballooned back up everytime I didnt have a competition ( ballooning to me is gaining 20lbs nothing crazy) I held myself to such a ridiculous level of expectations that I have since tore down. Im realizing that God will put everything into place once you seek him. I know without him my marriage will not last, without him, I will not be the mother I want or the woman I strive to be. After I focus on that, everything is becoming easier. I want to workout bc it makes me feel good. I no longer think I HAVE to workout to get my body back, it will come. I need to embrace and most importantly ENJOY MY LIFE!!!! Why was I spending hours and hours thinking about a tiny bit of fat here or there or thinking I had to workout 1 more hour b.c I ate 10 extra almonds that day. LIfe isnt meant to be lived like that. But I wouldnt change my past in any way shape or form. I have learned soooo much its crazy. Im happy to be where I am today. I have a wonderful man in my life after all the years I thought marriage was a joke and all men are pathetic liars. I now have a gorgeous baby girl when at one point I thought I would never have kids. I have so much mroe to learn & I cant wait to do it. Im going to experience life, appreciate all things that are given to me because God is amazing and has blessed me with another day on this earth.
If I could give one thing of advice to whoever is actually still reading this far into this post lol... I would say stop and say thanks. Say thanks for all you have now. Stop focusing on what you dont have & take a min to think about what you do. I know you will be overcome with joy once you realize how fullfilling your life already is. :)
Im going to continue to post here about my journey into motherhood, fitness, being a wife and becoming a better person. Im sure they all wont be as long lol but I will keep posting and I hope you keep reading.